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My Latest Whimpering [05 Nov 2004|03:46pm] [ mood | contemplative ] These thoughts were in my head for quiet some time. Ever since last week and ever since every body around me have taken to praying for me!     This post is going to be ME and not my job I love so much.   As a Christian child growing up in a house where mom was Catholic and there were Catechism classes every morning in school – Convent school – and dad being a non practicing Hindu who goes to the temple if and only if he wants to ‘prove’ some point – whatever ! Hmmm… growing up like that; I don’t recall ever being extremely religious.   Things changed in my late teens and I started a ‘relationship’ with God. I did question Him. WHY? He gave me the answers – in His time. But right now, I’ve come to the point where I don’t believe any body. SAD. Really? Am I sad? I don’t think so.   The other day this lady who happens to be a good friend of my mom came home to see us. In conversation, she gradually asked me about – Marriage. I told her frankly that I am not thinking about it as yet. To make a long story short – her argument was that maybe I was thinking too much of myself – keeping a high standard – and then end up lonely. I said if I find myself unmarried at a certain age – I’d adopt a child. Well, the statement met with immediate – cynicism.   My mom prays for me – everyday – to have a good ‘Godly’ husband. I pray too. I ask God to do His will in my life. I do not like men who seem to be ‘Godly’ – I don’t know ‘why’. It takes time for me to actually make friends and I definitely do not like the type of men who are ‘Oh so Good’; neither do I like the ‘Bad Boys’ – I mean boys have to grow up to be Men!   So, where was I? It has become a fashion now for men who are hunting around for wives to cozy up to the prospective ‘mothers in law’ and be ‘Godly’. At least that seems to be the case here. Men here are ones who have a job but they want a girl who has a job visa – first pre requisite for marriage. Then there is the other type who has no job visa and is on the look out for a nurse or teacher who will be on her own visa and will be able to sponsor. Wah! What a trade in hearts and life. Why are parents so stupid and worrisome? Can’t they see through all those fake prayers and acting?   My stand was and is – Mom if you truly believe in God – Know that HE will take care of me.   It’s her peer pressure which is getting on to her!   When I was starting off in this relationship with God I had specifically asked for a certain man and I fell in love with a total disaster. After so many years now – exactly seven years after my first love – I still see this guy I asked God for. But it’s different.   I am not perfect. I did not expect a perfect guy. I want a man. A man who is sensitive. I don’t want a man who smokes and drinks. I know he definitely would have checked out a lot of girls. I know I might not be the first in his bed but I must be the last – is it too much to ask? In marriage what I promise is that he is the only one for me and I respect him. If he can’t see his dignity in my eyes – it’s no use. Respect – it does not come instantly. There was a time I wanted to marry only a Christian. Seeing the kind of men who turn up in Church – I don’t think I will marry any. It’s a long time since my last visit to the Church anyway. If I happen to meet a man who loves and respects me enough to see his dignity in me and he happens to be a Jew – I’ll not become a Jewess nor will I expect him to become a Christian for me – Faith I think is personal. (By the way, I had asked God for a Jew!)   I have this conversation in my head with the guy I fancy – only thing is I no longer even in my dreams am feeling like I ought to marry the guy. I have a goal I want to meet before I settle down. It’s unfair to ask that the guy I marry must have shared my painful path through fulfilling my vision / goal. Fine if it so happens. Fine otherwise too. Then when will I marry? Never? Too pessimistic. After I reach my goal? Selfish. If and when I meet this Mr Right? Opportunistic. When I feel miserable and lonely? Desperate / Pathetic!   That’s a question I don’t have an answer to. I don’t want to ‘date’ and experiment either. Neither do I need to explain to just about every nosey Tom Dick and Harry ‘Why I am not married.”   What hurts is this confounded faith with which I see a loved one struggle without understanding that she need to have faith that her faith will take care of everything and not put stock in every body else’s questioning faith. She need not WORRY!!! What makes me miserable is the inability to show this writing to the one for whom I’m writing because it will hurt her. I just will need to keep repeating – If you have faith; don’t doubt that He will take care of me. Why do moms and dads try to get the best life partner for their children and end up making them compromise?   I know that I will not compromise. I know I will not be alone, I know I will not have to compromise – I know because I am praying for me and I am praying that His will be done and His will is always the Best. 1 comment|post comment

Back to School [16 Sep 2004|10:12am] My first week back in School ... Exciting and Fun. I am class teacher for Grade XI Boys and - WOW - They are going to make me work for my money ... LOL - I find it interesting to be with them. Here's just one incident of the many ... The first day, the first two boys who came to class came around and introduced themselves. Slowly the whole class trickled in. The back bechers were on the tables and not on the seats. I went around and told them, "Would you please sit on the chairs?" Well, after a lot of smiles and confusion as to 'obey' or 'disobey' I guess the 'please' did the work. The next day however, one of my boys was still on the table and not on his chair, I patiently repeated my request to him. After a cursory glance and a teasing smile he found a seat. The same followed on the third day. However, when I repeated the request, he looked around; found a chair and said, "I found a chair, you did not ask me to sit on it this time." "Ok please sit on it." He put the chair on top of the table and sat on it and looked at me with a smile and said, "You did not tell me where to sit." I went up to his table took another chair put it on top of the table and joined him, accompanied by the roar of laughter and 'She is going to sit with him..' The boys were in splits and I was doing my best to stop rolling over with laughter myself !!! But the moment I joined him on his perch, my young student grinned from ear to ear and got down. He never gave me any more trouble. He does talk a lot though ... I have ten more months ... What they did not know was - I was having a good view perched on top of the table that morning and enjoying it. At the end of the week - my boys are ... still mysterious and mischievous... LOL The German language contains 30 words that refer to the act of kissing. There is even a word, Nachkuss, for all the kisses that haven't yet been named. post comment

Uh uh [07 Sep 2004|11:30am] Uh uh... "The company wants Short term profits, customers want Long term profits..." This was the answer for the question, 'reasons for conflicts in business'. Ever wonder what teachers do before school re - opens? This is it. Correct re exam papers. I am fortunate enough to be excused from it this year. The above paper was marked by my 'to- be- co worker' ... I am to teach Business, she will be teaching Economics ... since she reported first and I am on medical leave - she was given the responsibility to mark these papers. She asked me how many marks to give the student for the above answer which was for 8 marks and just that one line ... O My God ... was all I could say. It was good I put aside my fatigue and got on the taxi and went to Dubai to prepare myself. I asked my colleague not to tell me the marks. I did not see the name of the boy. I'll give him a fresh start when he comes to my class ... I have a feeling - I'm going to have a wonderful time teaching these boys and girls ... I'll let you all know too ... post comment

Careless Whispers [31 Aug 2004|09:17am] [ mood | amused ] Careless Whispers   Most talked about BUT …   This is something which is most talked about; I mean every where people rave and rant about this ‘Burning Issue’, laws are being passed, people are ‘discriminated’ because of this, there’s a whole lot of ‘name calling’ etc etc etc. What am I talking about – being Gay / Lesbian.   Here, immediately getting into the moral fiber would be a big NO NO. Why? We get that from all sides.   I’m going to embark on the ‘Health’ Issue. How many know that there is a 100 percent chance of contacting AIDS by being a homosexual? In case you have raised your eyebrows by now, let’s talk dirty. How do gays stimulate themselves? Do they use their hands or mouth or both? What turns them on? Is it the physique of the partner, the intellect, the humor, the wit, the personality, the person …? Bottom line is – when it comes down to the physical aspect they stand a higher (100%) chance of contacting AIDS, you do know AIDS is transferred to the partner during Sex through the body fluids – and in the heat of the moment who’s thinking of contraceptive measures especially when there is no need to fear about impregnating the partner?   People are out there trying to make ‘Gay Marriages’ constitutionally recognized. Being gay is advertised just like ‘family planning’ or any other such cause. Many squirm at the thought – ‘What if, my son / daughter were to become Gay?’ But what do we do about it – TALK, SCREAM, BULL SHIT each other, CALL NAMES, DISCRIMINATE – Do we know that a homosexual person is not born homosexual? Do we know that a gay person has the tendency to become straight? Do we have any idea about the psychological trauma of these ‘gay’ people? Do we know that there is hope? All that we do know as a society is that being gay is bad and should be discouraged.   How many of us have actually ‘spoken’ to at least one gay person? How many of us have actually taken an interest and tried to know ‘WHY’ a person becomes a homosexual?   I have a ‘friend’ who was gay. He was the safest and most trustworthy person around when I was stuck alone in an Island. O yeah, I’ve had my share of adventures. Well, he masqueraded as a normal person until one day he confessed. Why did he become gay? He prefers not to tell. I respect his silence. But what made him change? Did we know the extent of ‘sexual abuse’ these ‘gays’ undergo? Yup, abuse. Being beaten, being raped, and being humiliated not only by society but also by the ‘gay’ partner.   There’s so much to it. If we allow gay marriages – they adopt kids or in the case of lesbians, they impregnate themselves and bring up kids. The kids are brought up in a ‘fatherless’ or ‘motherless’ atmosphere. Worse still – if the kid happens to be one who prefers to be ‘hetero sexual – the society does not give him/her the chance. S/he is always tainted by the parent’s reputation.   We know all this – and we Talk about it all. But what are we doing about it? Calling the gays morally perverted, unhealthy, sick and separating them – will do us and them no good.   According to me this matter has to be dealt with from the root. The root is the Home. How many parents actually talk to their children? We are so busy making money for our children that we are short sighted to their needs. The kid wants a bike, get him one – responsibility over with that. Where does he go on the bike? How many parents ‘Demand’ this from the sons and daughters? When will they understand that they should have asked and not demanded for the answer to that question even before the bike was bought? Just a small example.   It’s either the too strict military regime or the too loose and too broad minded approach which fosters such un-natural attractions. I don’t blame the Gay people; I think the problem is ‘improper parenting’ and ‘too proper parenting’. Statistics show that there is a homosexual for every 10 persons in America. It’s just a 10%. Why bother? A ten percent has got ‘Gay Activists’ a ten percent has got leading political support – just this 10% has come this far – If facts and awareness is not enforced and the ten percent grows – I’m afraid for the future. This is not a fad; it is an evil – but not a ‘social evil’. It’s an evil which was nurtured in our own hearth. If only parents both Mom and Dad prioritize their jobs as Mom and Dad more than the manager or GM job descriptions – then we may not have to be afraid of a new race of fatherless or motherless societies – where the men masturbate to produce sperms and the embryo is formed in a lab and later implanted in the womb – just to pro create – This could be a horror thriller! I think its high time America educates and reforms its families and quit reforming Iraq and Afghanistan and the world at large while they are falling from their seams … It seems.   The most talked about BUT the quietest evil – ironically christened as ‘GAY’. There’s nothing gay about being gay – How many know?   As Indians, do we need to fear this silent evil? Well, my friend who was gay is an Indian. We Indians do have the tendency to ape the West – let’s learn our lessons at the cost of the West for a change. post comment

The Unspeakable... [30 Aug 2004|10:19am] This is something I had been musing about since … my late teens. Before I embark on the subject, let me forewarn you all that it is an ‘unspoken’ ‘not tolerated’ subject – something which is not spoken about, something people hesitate to ask – at least us Indian people – hesitate to even speak about. It’s the ‘M’ word – nope not marriage – Masturbation.   There’s always a ‘why’ – why did I want to write on this? This time I’m not letting out steam and frustration – it’s more like a ‘moral victory’ charade. Yup, I mean it.   I got up this morning with the intention of writing a poem. I had even begun on it when I remembered I need to check mail. I logged on to the Internet. Did my business – was browsing for the meaning of certain words when I hit upon a ‘Onanism’ – It’s a Biblical story where the husband dies and in Jewish custom the husband’s brother should take up the widow and give her a son for his brother – Now, Onan was the name of the brother in law who had to do this ‘impregnating’ – but he did not want to give this woman a son for his dead brother. So he resorted to pulling away from her when he ‘ejaculated’, thereby spilling his seed on the ground. God was angry and struck him dead. Onanism is a word coined by ‘I don’t know who’ but people who believe that masturbation is a moral sin. They refer to Genesis Chapter 38 which records the above said story. Their argument is that God does not look favourably on masturbation and Onan is the example …   This made me curious. I looked up quiet a few Biblical references to masturbation and related sermons. There aren’t many. I was quiet shocked at the search results. The ones who have written or preached on the subject themselves say on the onset that they were reluctant to talk about it. The main contention being, there are no references in the Bible about masturbation. The Onan story runs the closest. I read all that there was to read – and though the Men of God do tell that it is wrong morally … they do not give persuasive biblical references.   My next step was to look up the available medical journals. Voila. Let me reserve the best for the last …   Anyway, now I need to have my say. Firstly, what Onan did was NOT masturbation. I am quiet sure all of you normal people who have masturbated will know I am right. What Onan did was resort to the age old, mostly unsuccessful method of pulling out at the last minute to avoid impregnating the woman – Its got some sexy phrase, I’m not able to recall now.   Ever noticed little children? They masturbate – even before they may learn to spell or talk. Babies touch themselves and give pleasure to themselves. So, have they done something immoral? Do they know what’s moral and immoral?   From infancy to childhood to adolescence when this huge libido becomes a mountain of a problem … the worst being the fact that after having masturbated, many seem to ask (I did too) Am I sexually depraved or deprived??? Was I right or wrong in doing what I just did?   In my case, firstly while entering adolescence I was too busy pining over mom who was abroad to notice boys. Secondly, when I did notice boys I had this urge to go talk to the one I liked best. I guess my libido was sleeping. I did not have sex lessons. Having been brought up in a conservative family and being a loner whose interests were reading detective novels and whose ambition was to become a detective … Sex was non existent. The French kiss was the only thing known to me – thanks to the movies.   Only after having fallen in love and having to sit beside a ‘jerk’ (my first love/crush) watching a movie in a theatre … my libido slowly woke up. Anyway, the point is thus far – ignorance and work (study, reading, playing …) occupied most of the time – and I did not have much of a problem.   Then I was introduced to the word ‘Fantasy’ it grew into ‘sexual fantasies’ – I read a lot of them. I saw porn. The moral dilemma cropped up when – being a love sick person I could not picture myself in any of those ‘fantasies’ – If I wanted to let off some sexual steam the picture in the head would be the person I intend to be with. I could make it dull or interesting but most of the time the pictures go to past incidents, like the first kiss which is a big turn on (that gives a warm feeling – doesn’t make me … masturbate!). I read a lot of interesting articles, medical journals and what not on ‘sex’… nothing ‘turned me on’ or stimulated me enough to actually ‘masturbate’. What does it, is those really lonely days when I have nothing better to do!   Coming back to where I started, ‘why’ I gave you a glimpse of  the things that go on in my head is because all said and done, I do know that masturbation is a Moral sin. Yes there is a biblical reference to it too – which ironically I did not come across in any of my reading. Before I carry on I must say though – I do not really like arrogant people, arrogant Christians who condemn and talk with absolutely no sensitivity about such sensitive issues. I am afraid that my insight could lead to arrogant people gaining one more weapon. It’s my prayer that such people stop and think before they condemn. My way of handling children is not to punish them, but to talk to them – and it has always worked. One will never reach out to people if one is not ‘compassionate’.   I told my part of the story (though I risk being judged by moralistic people) because it will make me human too. I mean I am not some big authority or preacher and am not a saint – as yet J. Anyway, getting to the point – The New Testament, Book of Matthew chapter 5 – One of my favourite chapters – the whole chapter is ‘The sermon on the mount’. In verse 27 Jesus talks about ‘adultery’.  He says that if you so much as look at a person and sleep with him/her in your mind – you’ve committed adultery. Now, I ask – what exactly do we do when we masturbate? Is it just the hand which does the dirty work? NO. If it were not for the pictures in the mind … the hand will not produce results!!! So there – with biblical reference there’s the whole thing in black and white – Masturbation is indeed a moral sin.   Why did I call it a Moral Victory Charade? How many of us can actually say ‘we are Holy’, we’ve not done it. How many of us continue doing it because – it is an addiction – knowing it to be wrong – then suffering from a guilty conscience. This illusion of victory over this particular habit is so because we don’t talk about it, we don’t counsel, we even refer to it as the ‘M’ word. The people who do counsel – unfortunately are arrogant and judgmental or would not talk about it – they leave it to pass away – the kid will grow out of it. Yes, the kid grows out of it with a life long problem …   After the dosage of religious proof – here’s the medical proof too. Men are the most affected – this addiction leads to ‘seminal leakage’ and … check it out  – this link is one of the many I found through the yahoo search engine - http://www.herballove.com/article.asp?art=365  It explains nicely.   Many of us go on in life not knowing what we are up to, or believing quiet a few cock and bull stories, or giving in to superstitions – how many of us actually try to get to the root of the matter? And of the few who do try to research and garner knowledge – how many of us are non judgmental and compassionate and tolerant towards the mistakes of our fellow human beings? I did not have to drag my trysts with masturbation into this writing but I did so only to emphasize that I am not judging – “Take first the log from your own eye, before trying to take the dust from your brother’s eye.” (Its Matthew Chapter 5 again – forgot the verse number) So, there I think if we know what is what it’ll help us sort our problems.   “I am a scoundrel, that’s why I know the scoundrels around me and that’s why I am tolerant towards them.” (Not the exact words – of Gandhi – from the film – Gandhi)   Next time any young shy teenager who happens to look upon you guys as a ‘father/ brother/ mother/ sister figure – you have the facts – and you also know that you’ve got to talk and you’ve got to be tolerant and kind – not Arrogant and ‘all knowledgeable’. Ciao – the teacher as always J   PS: When you are married to someone and are separated; then if you masturbate thinking of that person – its not a moral sin … Well, there always are exceptions to the rule … 2 comments|post comment

My MOM [27 Aug 2004|06:50am] [ mood | Chirpy ] My mom may not read what I am writing – That’s why I actually am writing this. She’s been there for a long time in my life – all my life would be the right thing. We’ve been through a lot. As a baby, I gave her a tough time. As a child I was no better. I remember this incident when she was cleaning the rice in the small space outside the kitchen and I was asking her permission to play. The weather was not on my side, it was definitely going to rain. Mom wisely and sternly said “NO”. Well, the hot headed prat that I am would not take No for an answer; in anger I picked up one fistful of sand and threw it at her into the bowl of raw rice she was cleaning. Then I fled the scene. I ran straight into a fence of thorns and my petticoat quickly fastened itself to the thorns, as if on cue the sky thundered and lightening flashed – I yelled and screamed at the top of my voice for my mom to help. She came running, she tore the petticoat off me and dragged me home naked.   Thinking of it now, I laugh at myself. How much better or worse am I, now? I still smile and relish the moments she may be at fault and sulk when she is right.   Why did I suddenly think of writing something on my mom? Just the previous day, when things went haywire for me and her – because I unintentionally made a ‘pretty big blunder’ – it resulted in me having to spend a few minutes in the company of people I otherwise might not be in. Well, my mother’s age group of co workers – firstly, they are ‘Old’, secondly, they are ‘just old’. Bah! Anyway, everything was ok till unwittingly somebody asked for somebody’s grand daughter.   All my mom’s friends except one lady are grannies now. And yes what an honor – NO I’m not intending to be sarcastic. It is indeed a rare and …genuinely happy feeling to be a MOM. Being a grand mom – I guess is one more happy feeling. I really was out of place when one nice granny tells me, “Ah, your mom too will be granny soon.” Oh God. I smiled ever so sweetly and said, “In His time.”   My mom does not know ‘why’ I am not interested in marrying and making her a granny, she has her ‘guesses’ – I’m in no hurry to stop playing the guess game. I just made it clear – I’m not playing Mom, I draw satisfaction from the children I teach. Lame – I don’t care – I like it that way.   There were days when I put mom first and wanted to see her happy and so went along with what she wanted of me. Well, things did not come out as expected. Now as I write, mom speaks of so and so, I listen, I nod, I give her the right responses – a grunt at times – maybe I remind her of her husband. My dad. But I don’t remember dad ever listening to her or nodding or grunting. Moving on to what I was musing about – When I look at my life, the carefree days as a child with no worries as such except dreading the day the report card makes its way home – The rebellious days in the boarding school, the sober days at home sitting in a corner wondering what my sis is talking over the phone, why the hell I don’t have a boyfriend, complicated days of college – yet I managed to have fun. Then, when the crucial decision day arrived – I put mom’s happiness above mine.   After the roller coaster ride – I’m not happy, mom not happy – none the wiser – so what’s the big deal? The big deal is the fact that I don’t let little things come in the way of my relationship with my mom – whatever she might be – she’s my mom. She may feel sad because she may not get to become a granny … I’m sadder because I wont have someone type something like this and say – hey, whatever … she’s my mom.   What the heck. Life goes on. Now I’m seething at those grannies …   Didn’t I say there’s one lady who is not married? Well, she too is old enough to maybe have a daughter in her teens – but she doesn’t. She lives alone, most of the time she’s busy with something or the other. She is a ‘classy dresser’ – I love her wardrobe. I love her too. She’s a very nice person. She came visiting me after the grannies. Well, however nice – she too belted out her advices to me to eat nicely!!! But just before she left, she turned around and looked at me and said – “You must get better, because you matter.” – I’ll never forget her words. She matters to me too. Sometimes, we must be thankful for the little mercies. post comment

My amazing mind and body [26 Aug 2004|09:38am] Where do I begin? “Truth is bitter.” “Medicines too are bitter.” But they do a lot of good. I am a healthy person – I have a general good health, if you look past the frail body. I’ve never known about any of my ailments as a child – no one told me anything. Here’s something my mom told me some time in the recent past.   I was a premature baby (I knew that) – I was premature by nearly a month. I was born on a Sunday during the Holy month preceding the death and resurrection of Christ. Mom did not have a tough time – I was so tiny – She was in labor for hardly 15 minutes … When I did come out – and the doctors saw me – they checked me – they told my mom I have 90 days max to live … ( I knew all this) What mom never told me was – I had colic pain – I’d twist her heart with my crying – and she’d had to bear it all because there was no medicine – no cure – I wasn’t always crying… It would begin in the evening – and I would cry myself to sleep.   My dad’s a medical rep, I asked mom where would he be during those times. She told me, he’d leave as soon as the crying starts. Of course no body was bothered about the little black worm that I was … I was nick named “Kaka Kunju” … that’s history. I survived.   My childhood saw me as a very cheerful and naughty girl. I always vied to be a leader but I never became one as a child. Then, when I was 12 years old mom left me and my sis with dad and came to work in this place. I was in boarding school with my sister.   Let me make a long story short – Life was not very pleasant in boarding school. I loathe it. I was sick every month. I had sore throat and fever every month. I was put on ‘Erythromycin’ every month for 5 or 3 days. This went on for nearly 6 years. Three of those years I was in the boarding school. Three of those as a day scholar – I was home with dad – but, that did not help me much – since I faced new problems; I weighed 30 Kg – I was 18 years old – I looked like a thirteen year old. I had finally become a leader in school. I did not look my part, but the whole school knew me and I was quiet a celebrity – Best singer and best orator. When I left school I was also a distinction student who got admission in college under open competition – That was very good and satisfying.   But in between, during my last year in school – I was admitted in the hospital. There was nothing wrong as such with me – I went for a general check up – my blood test turned out positive for ‘Typhoid – para typhoid” – I was immediately admitted for 5 days – during which time I nearly lost my life due to an overdose of ‘glucose’ I was close to fits and shivering … An X ray was taken – There was a shadow … The doc said she needed to do more tests – They were never done. I was tested for TB and Asthma – both were negative – means I’m pretty alright.   When the typhoid was cured, the doc wanted to check on the ‘shadow’ in the X ray – advised dad to get me checked by a cardiologist or pulmanologist … Well, it did not happen. What did happen was – I fainted in school, and taken to the doc who repeated her request. I knew then that I had to open my eyes and look at the world as how it is – BIG and BAD. Well, the world for me has always been my family. Mom, was always concerned but dad and his high opinions ‘shadowed’ everything. I knew I will have to deal with myself.   There were recurring chest pains and back pains followed with either hand paining till I slept it off. The doc actually had suspected something wrong with the heart. But it could even have been the lung – that was suggested. I knew things will remain so. That was the year I actually took a stand, I went to church every day – I remember – for sometime. Then every Sunday. Every day during my exams – I’d got to church before I go to school. That was the year I started talking to God. It was easier to talk to a person who would listen … and I’d solve my problems – just talking it out. I wanted to talk – no body at home heard me – so I spoke to God.   After all these years… I go and have a fall in the toilet – there’s loss of blood. I thank God for the timing – It was not during that ‘time of the month’ when a woman bleeds naturally. What happens when that time of the month comes? I faint – again. Only this time there’s chest pain, ears blocked, head blank, whole body broke into sweats!! – its more severe and pronounced and I got to go to the cardiologist.   When asked about any recent illness I told him truthfully that I had a tryst with pneumonia in April and I fell and lost blood early this month. An ECG, X Ray and blood test followed. He asked me if I was treated for pneumonia – I said – It was suspected but I was treated for Bronchitis I was given antibiotics for 5 days. No X ray was taken.   The doc smiled at me (I liked him – nice old man) he informed me that ‘pneumonia’ is treated for 6 weeks… and that what I indeed had and what caused all the pain was pneumonia, something called micro plasma (or was it macro? Forgot). He put me on the correct drug … some clamycin … The recent events which made my body weak – gave the opportunity for this germ/virus/bacteria to surface again!   How do I know its correct? Well, in April when I was having my usual chest pains accompanied with fever and throat pain and cold and running nose which became blocked nose. I had severe chest congestion and I went by myself to a doc. She diagnosed me and said I am having pneumonia. She gave me the same drug this doc has prescribed.   Why wasn’t I not treated then and there? Mom took me to another doc who said only an X Ray will confirm the sickness. Somehow, I was supposed to be a liar – a maniac – who was making up my sickness – Its all in your head – you think you are sick – I’ve had this for 27 years now … You are making up your sickness, I got that even yesterday … see there was nothing wrong with your heart – O yeah, my lungs just happen to be in some other cavity, I did not know whether it was my heart which was bleeding or my lung which was filling up with mucus. Chest pains are generally associated with heart – how was I to differentiate the pain? The doc caught on when I told the symptoms – shivering, fever, tiredness, breathing trouble and bleeding from the nose!!! He’s the doc – he knows! The bleeding from the nose according to mom – was because of the heat – turns out its – Pneumonia.   I’ve got a damn strong mind and body to have withstood all the degrading comments and demotivation I get! I really am angry. Every body says – EAT WELL – anybody looked into Why I’m not putting weight – seems like my mind actually has been doing the right thing. I’ve been thinking and willing myself to live past all these aches and pains. Now, I’m put on a drug to induce appetite along  with this clamycin. Yeah, I know to eat – and I do – Just because I don’t hog everything I see or that I think Milk rice is better than Biryani does not make me a freak of nature.   I’m able to write all this because I’m not yet on my medication for today – I had one dose last night. Now I eat by 10:30 and have my medicine – somehow make it through a certain important meeting and then come home and crash. This medicine makes everything bitter. Including my saliva … its an awful thing.   I was surprised when the doc asked me if I had joint pains – NO – he gave me a test – I passed – while waiting for my blood test which confirmed the doc’s diagnosis – I suddenly remembered a conversation I’d had with my best buddy who was making fun of my Insurance Policy. He said all that money I get I’ll spend it on medicines in my old age … HA HA HA – just you wait and see – maybe I’ll live long enough to mourn my friends – But I wont be one old hag who complains about her aching bones. Even with such a bacterial infection in me for around 8 years I’ve not complained and whined and asked to be taken to the doctor – I gritted my teeth and bore with my family’s diagnosis – With living alone and just my students and the Internet and books and whatever social activity I’d choose – I’m bent on being a cheerful, naughty (naughty in the good sense …) old woman too…   I’ve got one more task to do before I run out of energy – so, I’ll see you all later – Till then – me on my way to recovery … to PINK Health. J post comment

Death - 2 [24 Aug 2004|07:45pm] [ mood | pretty determined ] I thank God for the WWW. Its nice to talk to people – actually Talk. OK, this entry is in reply to all the comments I got for my previous entry. Forgive me if my write up seems a lil disjointed – right now I’m not in the pink of health but my brain works just as well …   Speaking of Suicide – it is a complex yet simple issue. The reason I wrote what I wrote was because in the first place it was a selfish outlet for my own frustrations – honestly speaking.   I have an uncle in Chennai, he’s a writer – and a very good one – He never talks to any body. When I went to Chennai to visit him for the first time everybody were surprised because he spoke to me and actually had a ‘conversation’ – One of our very first ‘conversations’ centered on suicide – he told me ‘It takes a lot of courage to actually take ones own life’ and I told him ‘It takes a no courage at all to shrink away from challenges and end it all’   I held my point of view about Suicide being cowardice – and still hold the same. Even when I faced set backs – major ones … I only knew that I’ll do the ‘right thing’. That was what kept me going. Answering your response ‘Lion from the tribe of Judah’ ( You do know Christ is the Lion of the tribe of Judah – yeah? ) I found your comment very interesting… yup, It’s a killing and the ones who are left behind are the ones who are actually hurt.   Let me now tell you what exactly passed through my mind when I thought of taking away my life – Number one: The Guilt factor – Like it or not the guy who hurt me will feel guilty for having been responsible – that would cause him hurt – if not for his whole life at least sometime. That would be sweet revenge. Number Two: Will I be missed – what a way to find out … Number Three: What difference will my absence make? The more I thought of these – the sillier I felt. Believe me when I tell you – I actually wanted to cut my wrists with my friend’s own kitchen knife when I was in India … What held me back was the fact that I had been one who was vehemently against suicide and I would be just ‘Hot air’ if I do what I have been against.   Now am I pro suicide? NO. Still am vehemently against it. Just a slight difference – I now know how they feel – the ‘victims’. I’ve been pushed to the edge … I’d prefer to say that I don’t know what stopped me. I empathize with them. But what’s the use of empathizing with the dead?   That’s why I wrote what I wrote. God has continued keeping me in a position where my voice is heard – and I don’t have to shout to be heard. People listen. I just wanted to talk – I wanted to put some bad blood out of my system, at the same time – I knew if this were to be read by someone who was contemplating suicide s/he may stop to think. Now there seems to be another reason too – Telling a ‘victim’ just how selfish that act is, does no good – they are victims of themselves – they are absorbed in their own sadness – telling them that on to their face is no good – it will only add fuel – Respect their decision to be alone and look at them in the eye and tell them they are loved and respected and trusted – kindly.   If there’s no one around to do that – like in my case … I just think of it this way – “What sort of a pathetic person am I? No body loves me – YUCK – I don’t want to be pitied – I can do much better than sit and self pity.” I actually love this guy – that’s why I did not use the ‘guilt factor’ and that’s why I left. But those who take away their lives because they ‘love’ a certain person and can’t have them – pure selfishness. We just have to get over that – very difficult – but Living with dignity in my books is better than dying in shame.   I really ought to get back to bed – forgive me for the disjointed writing – Yeah, Not well again! But I could not help but reply. One more thing – Psalm 91 – from the Bible – Big Help – Hey, I’ve got my priorities sorted – I just get depressed … and I’ve got used to being alone and cranky when depressed … LOL.   1 comment|post comment

Death [23 Aug 2004|11:40pm] [ mood | depressed yet determined ] When Nafisa Joseph committed suicide, many people condemned the act. Many went to the extent of saying bad things about her profession – she was a ‘Love Counselor’ – MTV’s Loveline. Many questioned the authenticity of her counsel.   Why am I writing this? I just feel like throwing a rope around the fan myself – If only I had a ceiling fan, if only I knew to tie the ‘Hangman’s knot’ – If only I knew, maybe I would, maybe I would not. Well, there’s the window – I could jump out of it – I’d only break a few bones – but not the one I intend breaking – The neck !   I don’t know what kind of a mood I am in. I have had my tantrums in the past, the present’s bleak, the future’s yet to be seen … When I was younger, news of ‘suicide’ always made me talk about it – I was in a position to express my opinion. I always had said that ‘suicide’ was cowardice. I still say so. In fact that has always been a subject close to my heart because it was the one which got me my first ‘Inter School Elocution Award’. I stood on the dais and condemned suicide – I did not condemn the suicide ‘victims’.   All those who do commit suicide do so for many different reasons – but if you just take a moment and analyze and break down all those different reasons, they all boil down to the fact that the person who committed ‘suicide’ did so because s/he felt like a failure. S/he thought that they’d lost … whatever it was they wanted so badly and could not live without.   All of us have our own way of coping with failure. Some drink, some smoke, some become workaholics, some laugh a lot, some laugh a lot without reason make a joke of themselves and end up in mental institutes. Some others call it quits and end their lives.   Why is suicide such a big issue and suicide committed by a famous personality frowned upon so much? If suicide was chosen to be the best way of handling failure … we’ll all be dead. If drinking is the way to go – we’ll be pretty miserable. We could work our butts off and still feel pathetic. We could laugh our guts out and feel gutless. Yes, we could find ourselves in a mental institute and wonder about the sanity of every body else around us … feel out of place, wonder what we are doing in the same room with a person who can see dragons breathing fire…   So, before I find myself in any such situation I just wanted to answer one question; Did I fail? Wining isn’t everything, but wining does give me joy. Does wining mean that my opponent has failed? I guess the answer to the question, “Did I fail?” was complex; because if and only if the opponent has won – I fail. How do I measure some one else’s win? This logic worked until second year college. Everything was academic oriented for me till then … and I kept winning.   Until the day I fell in love and had the misfortune of charmingly, poetically, endearingly announcing my love to a man who did not look at me when he said, “I don’t love you.” Well, I should give it to him for telling the truth, but he did so after having led me on … I was more sad than angry… I felt like a failure, I knew I’d failed … I also knew I don’t want to make a habit of it. Suicide … did not cross my mind.   Brushed it aside forced myself to study the Contract laws and Income Tax Laws … which were the most challenging topics in the final year Commerce. Worked my butt off – still felt pathetic; but I was grinning when my results came – an 85% in law was ‘Distinction’ and that was – Awesome.   I wasn’t afraid of walking down the ‘Love lane’ … continued on my path to … self destruction, self enlightenment, self discovery … I don’t know. I only knew that I accepted failure when the man I hold dear said, “I love her.” When I saw the man I love in ‘her’ arms – that’s when I knew I lost. Surprisingly, I did not make a scene. I wished him well, her also – does that make me a loser? It was when I stood on my balcony, tears running down my face and seriously contemplating whether or not jumping down four floors will leave me with a broken neck or just broken bones … That was when I felt like a loser.   Every time I look at the distant sea and wonder about the people I’ve left behind and pray for them, I do tell God, I’m miserable; but I am the one who made my life so, take me away. For some strange reason He still keeps me here. I sometimes accuse Him to be a sadist. I have a row with Him and then make peace – I just talk it out with Him – Does that make me a lunatic? It was when I seriously considered writing a ‘hate note’ to ‘her’ … I checked my lunacy and felt insanely jealous, insanely filled with hate. Anyway did write a note – but not a ‘hate note’!   I remember my dad drinking and smoking – I hate people who drink and smoke – I keep my opinion to myself and move away from such people – but I just don’t like the company of people like that. So, I did not even think of turning to liquor. But then I have my books – I already am addicted to books, now maybe I spend a lil too much time with them ‘small rectangular objects’ – as I fondly call them. Its an intoxication of its own to be in a world where love is reciprocated, where all wars are won by the ‘good people’, where justice reigns.   So when Nafisa died and every where I turned I saw people who condemned her, for the first time I spoke up for a suicide victim. I call them victims because its not their fault … I don’t praise them or condemn them – they just did what they thought was best for them as well as the others involved. Maybe they thought the world would be a better place without them or that no body would miss them. Or they’d have thought that ‘lets see you people get along without me’ – You’ll miss me badly …   It is very bad to feel rejected … Rejection once is OK, rejection twice – Uh oh, rejection thrice – Oh Boy!  Whatever, how many times … I guess one does reach a certain limit.   Whatever it was – who are we to judge? That’s what I did not like. All the people I know out here who are with me would not believe if they were to know just how miserable I feel at times and that the urge to finish this life taunts me … For every one I am this ‘happy go lucky’ girl. Close friends do tell me –  that they feared my sanity at a certain time, they admire me for the fact that I pulled through. Only I know that I just don’t pull through … I drag myself. There were days when I was highly motivated and full of hope, now there’s no motivation or hope because I know what I’d do if I fall in love and the guy tells me one fine day that he loves ‘her’. I’d feel like a ‘damned fool’. Right now, I know I am a Fool. But not a damned fool. I still am a strong voice for love – I don’t give melodramatic lectures or publicize my love story … No one who knows me know my love story – I tell them, “O yeah I have a boy friend, right he’s in India.” Case closed. I wear a ring on my ring finger – keeps men away – the decent ones. The indecent rogues who make a pass even after seeing the ring, I know better than to encourage them. What is it that makes these rogues … maybe the taboo of the whole thing .. I call them so, because they know they are hitting on a woman who isn’t theirs, if the woman is weak they can have fun and then leave … no strings attached – well, the woman’s got to know better than to go along …   Writing this down – I run the risk of being judged – but what I wanted to say was … All of us have that insane thought to end our misery… I know I have it, I also know I will eventually die but when I die I want to do so knowing my work on earth is done. Whatever might be the reason for which I am breathing, I know that I will stop breathing when my work is done. Faith, hope and love … The greatest of these is Love. What I’ve learnt is the more I find these in myself the less I try to get of these from others. The less I expect, the more I give. But it shouldn’t make me a ‘stone’ with no feeling for others… It’s a crucial balancing act … In the end there’s no winner, no loser. Just Love. I still feel ‘Love Sucks’. What the heck … I just know I’ve got to get up tomorrow and keep going because I am a fighter not a survivor … Just what am I fighting and why am I surviving …? Fighting the urge to die, surviving to see the happiness around me that’s brought about by me – I told you no one knows just how much I want to die – after all, Death will be ‘something’. Let me see what it is when it comes – till then – I  LIVE 3 comments|post comment

This one's for my friends... [14 Aug 2004|02:29pm] [ mood | happy ] Writing comes naturally to me … Just not today! I’m on a mission to ‘cut down words’. Am listening to one of my favourite tamil songs – From the film ‘Minnalae’ – Venmathi venmathiyae  nillu… Want to write on three issues, make it ‘really short’ and effective.   First off, Chikuado’s dilemma – Supposing my goal is to buy me a jet, I need money to get me that jet. What exactly is my goal? Money or Jet? I can sing well, I really can ‘hit a chord’ and carry it with ease and style. I wanna be the number one on every chart. When I look at my objective in this light, things make perfect sense to me. It’s not only the fact that I ‘CAN’ sing but also the fact that I ‘LOVE’ to sing. I like what I do. I have fun when I sing. I am passionate about singing. If and when I become ‘obsessed’ with being ‘Numero Uno’ – It takes away the fun and I’m left with nothing but a bitter feeling if I lose; If I win I might become ‘Proud and Vain’. Ultimately, for me its not only the objective but also the path I take to reach my goal and how I go about doing it. Got miles to go; need to enjoy every step; might/will get hurt, stop, rest, get up get going with a spring in my step – That’s me – Here’s a question – What do you do when you get to that objective? Buying that jet / boat / number one on the charts … Hmmmmm…. Being in love is more intoxicating than love itself … Enjoy the trip, Chikuado ;-)   Secondly, there has been a comment on my previous journal entry about people falling in love with married people and my stand on the issue – I remain firm – I need to write in one more … point. I agree it’s inevitable to be ‘attracted’ to somebody; there are circumstances when initially the person might be led to understand that the other party is ‘unmarried’. Deception. I’m not going to give a cock and bull story here. All I would say is; its one thing to be deceived, quiet another to remain in deception. Keep moving away from ‘married people’ who solicit such relationships – they will always get back to their spouses. There is no glory or ‘Love’ in continuing with a person who does not in the first place respect or honor his/her vow towards his/her spouse. In one sentence, I’d like to make my point – I do not respect any man or woman who after having got into the Holy union of marriage does not respect the Institution of Marriage. Why marry if all you want to do is Mock the institution of marriage? Yeah yeah – easy for me to say – I’m not married – Smirk – but that’s that. Old Fashioned Me … Fine. No wonder I’m gonna be a rich old girl !!!   Thirdly, there’s this friend of mine who keeps telling me, rather asking me, “How’s your ‘social life’?” My constant answer is, “Well, I have fun at home, surf the net, read books …” He insists that I go out, eat out, party, meet people. Well, I do meet people everyday. I enjoy conversing with the young ones I teach. I specially love to teach children who just do not want to learn … I consider that more challenging and fulfilling than shaking my butt on a dance floor and having people either drool over me or turn their eyes away in disgust! Being fair on me – I guess I can decently shake my tail feathers … but that’s not the point here. I love to dance, I get to do that alone and unlike my singing my dancing needs a lot of work! During the past week, when I was sick I got to do a lot of thinking … had nothing better to do… But I was surprised when I had at least three concerned people who visited me. Calls from India from concerned friends (nope – not family) But friends are the family I chose and I have done a good job; Live journal friend’s comments; and the call from Canada – which actually was a very pleasant surprise – don’t sue me for mentioning *smile / fume*. Here’s where I say, ‘Thank You to every one who helped me through those painful days …” I have to add – Thank you for respecting me when I did not want to get into ‘details’. And here’s where I say to my best bud, “Hey dude, You don’t have to dine and wine, or … go out; to have a ‘social life’ I have very few friends, but I can look at every one of them in the eye and say, “I love and appreciate you”.   As for saying “I love you” with all the ‘shyness and coyness’ of a young girl in love – been there done that and I don’t miss that. Felt good – I remember the goodness, the embarrassment … the love, the lust … everything. I Thank God for the moment …   Here’s where I say, I have a life, I enjoy my life, whether or not I get a jet plane – Kalli walli to it – I have what I need … and I love being me. I thank God for giving me ALL  I  NEED. 3 comments|post comment

Becker [13 Aug 2004|11:15am] [ mood | amused ] 'Dr. Becker' ... He's a class of his own. Yesterday I was watching this seriel where Margret is called by a lawyer to come for a 'will - hearing'. She does go expecting 'nothing' - but she comes back with a vedeo cassette. It was hillarious. This old woman who died was looked after by Margret when she was sick - this old woman was not married - But this old woman had maintained an affair with the 'fiance' who later became the husband of her twin sister - she had this affair going behind her twin's back for 45 years. She says in her vedeo, "We did not want our love be taken over by the drudgery of marraige." Dr Becker has 'cholesterol'. A slight increase. His doc advices him to start jogging, eat fruits and control his temper. When his doc informs him of the increase in cholesterol and asks him what it means, without flinching Becker retorts, "It means I am filled with utterly butterly goodness" Anyway, what I liked best was the fact that he is one of those few who do not give people a hint if anything goes wrong. He may be the most unpopular guy around but he is who he is - and I dig that! Coming back to where I started, its true marraige does bring in drudgery and somewhere down the line, boredom - Utter boredom - sets in. The constant nagging, those comments which somehow induce insecurity or sets in that inferiority complex - Comments like, "She's got a cute butt." or "How come your brother was able to buy a house so fast? Why is your bank account less than your brother? ..." There's more where these come from. And if anyone reading this disagrees - please spare me the 'perfect goody two shoes, sickeningly sweet ... perfect love does exist ... talk. Its wasted on me or anyone for that matter - because when one's mind is made up - whatever anybody else may say - it just does not matter. That's why I throw out 'opinions' and leave it at that. So here I dish out one of my unasked 'opinions' - Yup, marraige does result in a certain drudgery. But to have an affair with a married man - it might be the most 'adventurous', most talked about, most controversial, most risky ... But it is NOT the most romantic, It has got nothing to do with Love, it definitely is not courage - it is 'cowardice' and only the lowliest and most unscrupulous of men and women ever do that. That's that. Being a woman, I suppsose another woman ought to know how it feels to see the one you love in another's arms. I for one do not want to be the one on the arm! There's more love (may not be love in its purest form) in stepping aside and letting the man / woman go. It takes more courage to do so. However vile or evil the new man/woman in the other's life is - I personally believe that it is not worth while to 'fight' for a person who is in the first place heartless enough to do what s/he has already done. Might sound cruel - does not grant you peace - neither is it a solution to a problem - but it does let you ask, "How's your sex life?" to any 'nosey-I'm-too-good' character and watch them 'squirm' and walk with your head high. If the question is asked back there's always, "I asked it first." Love the way Becker does that. More on Becker .... later. About his dirty laundry - the guy actually married his friend's wife was actually 'screwing' her when she was his friend's wife - no surprise she screwed someone else when she was Mrs. Becker - and divorced him !!! Currently - Becker is single and intends being so... lets see... post comment

Computers!!! [12 Aug 2004|12:41pm] [ mood | crazy ] I thougth that grumbling, self pitying and shutting up in bed crawling around in pain was BAD ... Now, is it??? I found something WORSE. Yup, A Sick Computer ... My very own IE staring back at me, no small green rectangular blimps telling me that the Internet page is loading ... the pain in my back which actually refuses the order from the head to sit up 'straight' finally found its match - the throbbing pulse somewhere in my head; now was it inside my head or was it in my eye which was roving over a blank white screen ... No idea. The urge to pick up the computer and throw it - that was overwhelming ... The lack of strength to do the same - was pathetic! Then suddenly there appears this grey block with words - words which spelt Doom ... there was no PAIN - just a cold numbness as the severity of the situation sunk in. I use MSN 6.2; It so happens that when I chat and I happen to type in a very long sentence; the buffer which should actually limit my words does not do so and hence allows some unscrupulous third party to penetrate through this and cause a 'code error' ... This needs to be patched up. I'll come to that later. For now, what then happens is - outright Wicked. This code error then results in the malfunctioning of my RPC ... And how many times did I wonder when I was in the middle of a conversation (chat) my system warns me 'Failure of RPC; system has to shut down in 60 seconds' - Rohan will know - those quick - Hey got to go - my system is shutting down!!! Well, who ever would conenct it to MSN - good old MSN! Then the perpetuator cuts off all access to MSN, System slows down, Files are accessable to this person (whoever) to read but not change ... as if ! Anyways - the final picture - not pretty - Cut off from the world. Me - Lucky I have a Laptop with a CD Writer. Was able to transfer my files and make a Back up CD Copy. Then got the Windows XP Home edition - cost me Dh 320/- and Formatted the whole hard disk. I find it quiet ridiculous - but the thing wrong with the MSN 6.2 , in case any one wants to patch it up - the patch is available in www.patchwindows.org and for a 'price' - i think its $19 - not sure - forgot!!! Right now - head spinning because - No MS Office tools - No MS Word, PPP, or EXCEL - Man I hate it - SO Damn Dependant on the Computer. Despite an aching back, screaming eyes (watering), dry throat, dull pain from a healing wound ... A Sick Computer is what MATTERS !!! Rather the disability to Communicate to the world at large ... created a 'void' in my head which demanded to be filled up IMMEDIATELY. I seriously wonder what hapened to my priorities??? It is 7 days now since the accident - 5 days of antibiotics and painkillers and lots of fluids and food - The fluids and food continue still - Then somewhere in between I discovered that I was not the only sick person ... My computer's been sick from the time I've been letting it shut down in teh middle of the chat conversations ... Its like I've not paid attention to the 'symptoms' and I keep grumbling and whining till my mom finally agrees to take me out, get the 'medecines' for my computer and fix 'her up' - well she's good now, but I need to prune her up - MS Office has to be installed. Right now downloading some themes and patches - by the way - I downloaded a patch for IE 6 - but it did not recognise my IE as IE 6 - What's the problem here? Am I missing something? I really dont want my computer to 'fall sick' again ... post comment

Hey ... [07 Aug 2004|10:18am] Just a 'Hi' - am still feverish - actually cold and shivering - John grisham's 'King of Torts' - is nice company. Read a few journals - could not reply or view photos - me feelin too cold .. Just needed to delete something out here and also say a 'Hi' to all. I'll live, despite a heavy blood loss ... Yup, am quiet traumatic but thankful I did not get any broken bones or ... Hey Anna, those quips about 'rainy days' - a lil silly but funny. Very silly me liked the 'Listen to enemy's CD ...LOL Some heavy reading about philosophy, relegion and spiritualism ... I reserve my comments to another day when I am not shivering the way I am right now. Rohan I could not open the link you'd sent! :-( I'll try again later. Chikuado - nice to see some naughtiness. Well, guys have fun. Its a long road to recovery for me - anticipated 15 days for healing ... I'm on 'Amoxycillin' (hope i got the splg right!) Its a really heavy antibiotic - but its doing what its supposed to ! 4 comments|post comment

Tired, torn and ... [04 Aug 2004|03:59pm] Just a lil note to all my friends on live journal ... may not be visitin the journal for a couple o days or more - dunno . Met with an 'unfortunate accident' ... in the loo. Am pretty bad and embarassed ... gory details - depends - Right now, before I faint - Ciao .. LOL - na - Wont - groggy but - fine enough to see the keys!!! Pray for me. Rohan, hope you had a nice time during your extended week end and camping Chikuado, YUP, that's David alrite! You got that one. Anna and Phanthom - Untill the next time ... 3 comments|post comment

Mike Check 1..2..3.. [03 Aug 2004|01:40pm] [ mood | amused ] ha ha ha ... amused ....? Well, today's been more of the mike check day! First off I downloaded Netscape Navigator 7.1 - My IE was very very slow. Then removed it from my system after installing NS... Then surfed all the free bies which come with the pack. Got my own AOL Screen name now. Same as my live journal name. Now checkin this feature of Live journal too - downloaded a client - lemme see how this one goes ... Serious writin later. I love this song which is playin now - Aisa bhe hotha hai kya ... I love the way Lucky Ali sings .... Ay mere Khudha kya Asisa Bhee hotha hai pyar - Kinda like his voice ... 6 comments|post comment

[01 Aug 2004|09:12am] [ mood | drained ] Yesterday, I wrote something ‘kinda nice’. Here’s the second incident today. Nice, not nice, bitchy or blah … you guys figure out!   I need to tell you all about the system of education out here, before I plunge into my story.   We have two departments called the ‘Career Counseling’ and the ‘Student Counseling’ depts. Now, under the student counseling umbrella we have something called ‘Special Learning Program’ (SLP). This is meant for students who have dyslexia and other learning difficulties. Now, when a child is enrolled in the school neither parents nor school mgmt knows if the child has any learning difficulties. It’s the class teacher (form tutor) who has to identify any such students; contact the student counselor who then observes the child and recommends the child to the child psychiatrist in school and then this school psychiatrist proceeds with the special learning program for the child. Now, the student counselor will have the children who are troublesome in class it could be any emotional or stress related problem which needs to be counseled. Trouble makers and disciplinary issues are to be dealt with by the teacher.   Having said all this, let me give you guys the history of the class I took up. This class had had four teachers in four months. No single teacher stuck to the class. It was in a terrible state of indiscipline and chaos. They could not identify themselves with a teacher. But then its history, they had a good second and third term with me.   The story – In my class there were two children who were identified by the previous teachers as children who needed special learning care and were in that program. When I took over, the first thing I did was I contacted the child psychiatrist directly and the student counselor and told them I will be taking these children out of their program – these children do not need it; there were two other kids who needed this program. The child psychiatrist only tests the kids and implements the program. The student counselor was the one in my class who came to class and observed the children and conjured up some cock and bull program for these two kids. I am angry with that counselor for two good reasons.   #1) She came up with a program but did not carry it through. After I took over the class and even during the process of me taking over the class; she was never in my class to observe the class. This naughty little child according to her needed stability. According to me all that the child needed was a lot of understanding and love. In this age, the children do not need a strict boss with a stick. It depends on the teacher, how she is going to get the children to work. Through respect from love or respect from fear. I choose the former. Things went on great till I found that there were two other children who needed the SLP. These children were very disciplined and good in class – no trouble at all. But this child – who is a very loving one needed so much of help in phonetics and the teachers could not find out that she had been copying right out of her friend’s books. Took me one class to find that. I went around to each child and checked the work. Took the trouble of walking around the class as the class did its work. I immediately put that child into the SLP and by the end of the year she was doing well and she has to continue with the program only for a short time the next year. The other kid was absent for a long time – and he too is one of the good children in class. Well, he knew his numbers very well. But had huge trouble with his alphabets. He could not even identify the alphabets. Here too – copy. These children don’t know its bad to copy – they are kids! Anyway, I sorted out all of these and end of the year promoted them all. I promoted the kid with alphabet problem ‘under warning’ he has to continue with the SLP. But the girl with the phonetic problem – I promoted happily – she had worked hard and done all her exams well. As for the kids who were originally in the SLP and did not need it – promoted with A’s and B’s in their report cards. They were smart kids who needed direction.   #2) After all the slogging, we had a workshop on how to identify such kids at the end of the year before we teachers left for Summer vacation. After the workshop I was casually talking with the student counselor. In conversation I said that in my class there were two kids who needed the SLP but were not enrolled in it while two other kids with disciplinary problem which should have been sorted out by the teacher were enrolled in the SLP. Immediately this female says, “They needed stability, and me and Mrs… gave them that stability. That class did not have any steady teacher and if it were not for me and Mrs …. You would not have achieved the result you got from those kids.”   At that moment I wanted to hold that female look into her eyes and tell her exactly what I thought of her and her counseling. She’s an Indian by the way – and one of those Indians who try so desperately to act like foreigners. She hardly came for observation to my class. I remember there was only one time she came and observed for twenty minutes and then left. Both the kids under her care do not like her. Both used to run away from her. I did not discuss it with my co workers. By the way I must say, I worked in high school and KG and Primary. My co workers in primary are nice ones. The high school is a politically charged arena – believe me. Well, I went to my class and sat alone to vent my feelings after that bitch claimed that all I did was nothing. Well, going by her argument, what about the rest of the 26 children then? They too did not have a steady teacher, was their success too attributed to the 'counselor'? Every kid in the class was indisciplined when I took over. Every class in that corridor knew the year 1/3 ... it was the noisiest class... The kids hardly knew this 'counselor' ... All my co workers (4 of them) in year one returned in varied levels of ‘pissed off’ moods. Ironically it was all about the ‘counselor’ and all were wondering ‘why’ such a responsible job was given to such an ‘irresponsible’ and ‘immature’ person. I knew exactly ‘why’. I kept it to myself.   Please notice, the words this female used; “They needed stability, and me and Mrs… gave them that stability. That class did not have any steady teacher and if it were not for me and Mrs …. You would not have achieved the result you got from those kids” The Mrs…. Is a very nice person and one who has been in this school for a long time. If I in my anger had told this bitch exactly what I thought of her, I would be questioning the judgment of Mrs….too Esp since Mrs… did not approve my promoting this boy with alphabet problem. I nevertheless promoted the kid because he worked hard in the last month after I warned the parents saying that he is a likely candidate for detention. I did not want the kid to suffer for the mistake made by the previous teachers and parents. The parents too are at fault – they pamper the boy. But how long would it have taken the teacher to call and give them a hard time? I did. I called them up and spoke to them. But maybe I did not well … be harsher.   Coming back to this female in high position, I just hope she doesn’t spoil the lives of ‘many’. I really do not like what’s going on … but as a teacher this is one of my limitations. I did not let her spoil the lives of two of my kids. These kids would have gone to the next class and throughout school branded as ‘trouble makers’ and under the SLP when they were actually good kids… This is one of the reasons I do not judge or blame any ‘naughty’ kid – they really are not. They just are ‘branded’ so by some stupid so called ‘counselor’ who puts that tag in the child’s report and it goes unquestioned by the teachers and that sticks until some teacher plans to investigate!   Sometimes – Life’s unfair for Kids.     2 comments|post comment

Explosive. Contents – Inflammable [29 Jul 2004|01:43pm] [ mood | Explosive ] Explosive. Contents – Inflammable   Its good to be in control of myself, my feelings and my tear glands. Its good to run out of tears and feel the eye sore and raw – it hurts; then the body takes over – its gone. Here after I’m going to follow two rules – Rule #1: “Have a good day.” – Never gonna say that. ‘Don’t tell me what kind of day to have and I wont tell you what kind of day to have’ Somehow, I don’t like it when others say that to me and I sound hollow when I say that too – kinda noticed that I say that when I have nothing better or nothing at all to say! Rule #2: NEVER gonna say ‘We’ ‘Our’ ‘You’ – I mean I’ve made up my mind not to write anything wherein I generalize … I am going to use ‘I’ – ME. I’ve noticed that people who say I, I, I are annoying but they are not irresponsible. People who say ‘We dunnit’ are the ones who will say ‘Who dunnit’ – and I for one am resolved to being in the ‘I dunnit’ gang may they be called the selfish ones or any other name one fancies …   Getting into business, I was wondering what to write when Rohan opened up this can o worms to pick … I am not going to frown on you for bashing the dispensers, nor am I smiling or grinning – I know that what my facial muscles do is not going to matter much to you or any mischievous kid out there! The very fact that you did not take the papers says that you have your priorities sorted; you just need to work on the ‘weight’ assigned to each priority. Enough said about Rohan the ‘black sheep’ for the moment.   The real matter was the ‘acceptance’ one. I am not in one of my ‘lecture’ modes but for all its worth I want to say, I am not a person who will ‘compromise’ (no wonder Anna’s one of my friends!) neither am I one who tries to get the ‘approval’ stamp. I’d rather walk out and do my thing the way I want to than be miserable trying to ‘please’ some one. I’ve done it – and that’s why I can say that with authority – may the situation be career oriented or personal – if the other party wants me to do things that will ‘please’ them – I ain’t the one. I do what I’m asked/ required to do according to the contract, I do what I do because I want to do what I do and most importantly – I enjoy and love what I do (both work and personal) I have taken enough shit / had my fair share – but then , there’s no looking back. In the reply thread to Rohan I’d quoted an incident in my MBA final year in college; that’s pretty much the girl I am now.   In fact the Big D once hit me where it really hurt – that was a serious blow back then; but I bounced back and showed him I’m no wimp. He was making nick names for every body in class and he nick named me ‘No body loves me, boo hoo hoo hoo’ – though I laughed it off in class and kept a brave front – I never forgot that. The way I retaliated to that was not by trying to be one who seeks to be loved but by taking a good look at the mirror – I saw that I could plainly see all the sadness and despair on my face! I was in my lowest because deep within I wanted a knight in shining amour and I was compromising for a school teacher I had not met. Once I identified my problem, I sorted it out – I thought positive – at least I have a school teacher! Put a smile on my face, kept my doubts for later … and went about doing my business. I was assigned leadership roles for two committees and I did my best towards both. But what I did not do was – I did not even as much ‘try’ to make people like or love me; and by the end of MBA I had at least a handful of people who got my email id and of the handful there’s my good friend Anna who keeps track of the various amendments in my email ids (LOL) and there’s the occasional letter from the few who have my id.   Work wise, I work with people here who might wear a ‘thong’ to school and hugging jeans and tops – Yes – they are ‘teachers’ – I don’t know if its just me or if there’s anyone else out there who has noticed this – but I find the ‘Sari’ to be a lot more ‘sexier’ than a ‘thong’. When the Sari is worn ‘low hip’ with the belly button showing out – A desperate call for attention from the wearer, “Come fuck!” – Yup I sure get very angry when I see women clad like that! Then there’s the sari left in ‘floating’ … that’s when there are no pleats on the potion which covers the breasts and one can literally see the blouse and the buttons … The ‘Blouse’ – Low cut, Pa cut, round cut, square cut … so many cuts all aimed at showing more flesh … Now coming back to the Thong – there’s just that one cut and …. It’s a fine piece of geometry.   I simply hate it when the Indian women I work with here look down on the western ones and that ‘controversial thong’ while all the time I see one huge boob and a good deal o flesh hanging out from the ill clad ‘sari’. OR two huge boobs rivaling for the attention of that wafer thin Chuni in that tight Churidhar. Ain’t I a bitch ? Sure as hell … I aint got the goods to show off, the others they have … But at least I appreciate the geometric perfect ness of the thong and the way it snugly fits these Westerners – and most importantly – the way they carry themselves like they were where they are meant to be – its not a misfit. I’m quiet at a loss even imagining a few of my Indian co workers in a thong on a beach – misfit – boy I just lost my appetite (for good taste) I’ve been mean and bitchy and …. BAD. Before I get back to my goody two shoes mode let me make it a point to get myself a thong (oops my mom finds out and I’m finished – I’ll worry about it later – I can always get one in Dubai Duty free!) OK – for those who know my skeletal appearance and have just lost their appetites … serves you right – for thinking such bad thoughts … naughty naughty.   Tut tut tut … so nice to bash out and be sarcastic, I completely lost track – OK, I’ve compromised in life, been the doormat who tried to ‘please’ some one – DID NOT WORK. It’s the most shameful humiliating depressing disgusting and distasteful thing I’d ever done in my life. When I did things the way I want it to; did mistakes because I wanted to, knowing it to be a mistake – but I wanted to – at least I got a kick out of doing it and knew the consequences served the sentence and kept moving … the way I want to – Compromising and ass kissing (however lovely it is – Ass is ass) – never will get me anywhere  - and that’s one chapter in my life wherein I’ve given myself the licence to forget the rosy, gruesome details and carry forward the lesson … And all this began in India, continued in UAE ended in India – wherever in the world certain things – NEVER CHANGE. I’ve been in good parts of India, bad parts too… good parts in the UAE, bad parts too …   GOD – too many expletives … Resolution # 3 Not to write like this again! (This is standing for contention and will take some time for the motion to be passed in the sick / bad part of my brain) Let me see if I can cut down the foul language. NOPE wouldn’t be effective (in some creepy sadistic sense!)   Well, then Rohan after all this heavy duty sarcasm and bad blood I guess the mantle of ‘black sheep’ now is here in Abu Dhabi. Canada seems to be cool. But I like it hot – India anytime for me until I … sort out a few things – tie up a few loose ends – get a house and a good job! But before then I wanna travel around the world – with an Indian school teacher’s salary, that’s a pipe dream!   Bottomline – I’m doing what I’m doing because I want to do it. I do it because I want it – not because you want it. I wrote this the way I want it and I did it because I wanted to. That’s pretty much my attitude – the attitude which has given me deep sorrow, great joy, memorable victories and losses… but No Regrets. I like it that way, I love Me. Somebody has to … let it be me. 5 comments|post comment

Objective: To Live and not just Exist. To make my mark [25 Jul 2004|12:13pm] [ mood | thoughtful ] “When I go to sleep I dream of a handsome man who’ll sweep me off my feet, pour champagne on me and lick it off my neck.” … (Boston Public)   It was as a teenager I was introduced to the ‘French Kiss’ through the ‘bad’ English / American movies which I was not allowed to watch – alone. I grew up with every possible misconception about ‘Sex’. In fact according to me the – French Kiss was ‘it’.   In Std 12, I was for the first time forced to face reality. My sister was in love. I was in shock. The ‘idealist’ that I was, I was no help to her in her battle against my dad. Though I did not condemn her, I did not support her either. It somehow created a ‘void’ … was I not loveable? I kept my doubts to myself. It was in this stage of my life, I asked God for something/someone. All my life I saw my dad and mom; I did not want to end up with a husband like my dad. I was specific; I asked God to give me a blue eyed man who must be a doctor and who must be a … JEW. (Do not question the logic behind this.)   Yesterday just before watching Boston Public … I was having a religious discussion with mom. I pointed out to her that Sarah was the one who doubted God. She was the one who talked Abraham into sleeping with Hagar. Thus was born Ishmael. Later she became jealous of Hagar when Hagar became haughty; and then she cried out to God and it was after that, Isaac was born. Through all this – Abraham did not doubt God. Neither did he doubt Sarah. He loved her.   Sarah loved Abraham too. She loved him more. She trusted God less than she loved Abraham. That’s where it all went wrong. Had she trusted God more; Hagar would not have borne Ishmael. History would’ve read different.   That was so easy for me … to analyze a situation and come to a logical conclusion. After watching Boston Public, all I could think of was the story of Abraham and Sarah. Specifically ‘Sarah’. Every night I go to bed tired. I work myself to the point of exhaustion. Those unfortunate days which have no work are the ones I dread. There are two books by my bedside which I have not read completely. One is the ‘Bible’ and the other is ‘The Lord of the Rings’. Maybe its because the prints in both books are so small… Maybe. Anyway, I try to read myself to sleep … but reading is also not the same as it was before.   One man’s death and resurrection divides the Worlds’ history. One man’s kiss divides my life’s history. Before him and his kiss, I went to bed dreaming of a handsome blue eyed doctor whose kiss would be my first. I could read any book in minutes / hours. I had somehow mastered my concentration. It was only bed time that my dreams would surface (the occasional boring lecture times at school and college too – of course). But yes, I was strangely ‘happy’ even when the first guy I ‘loved’ dumped me. That made a dent in my ego; but I held on to my confidence. ‘First love’ – took a while to understand that was a crush! Didn’t let myself be crushed.   Didn’t fall in love immediately after that either; but I did make a crucial mistake by saying ‘yes’ to marriage to a person whom I had not even seen or spoken to – suddenly I believed in ‘arranged marriage’. Well, after a few months I gazed into two brown eyes which drove away the picture of ‘blue eyes’. I was to be married in a few months; yet I shared a dance with a man who dared to tell me he loved me.   And after all these years, here I am still single … and I know I will be so; I loved a man more. I know I will continue being in love with him though he loves me no more. When people ask me, ‘Are you married?’ I truthfully say, ‘No’. It’s the ‘why’ I used to dread. I knew the truth was the only way out, so I say, ‘I am not interested.’ No one believes me. Many think I am a feminist who will end up an old dame who will pick and fight for any damn reason. Some others have interesting imaginations and think that I might be a lesbian. After a change in hair style (its amazing what such a small thing can do) people have started to ‘talk’. Why should everything be done to ‘try to attract somebody’? But that’s exactly what everybody around here thinks! Their mystery is ‘who’? Let them figure out!   I just wanted a change. I wanted to sleep. I don’t want to talk. I just want to sleep; sometimes there’s this crazy thought – sleep forever and never come back. Suicide never crossed my mind – honestly, at least I don’t take it seriously – I think its cowardice. I’ve not written about everything I’ve gone through in life but if ever I wanted to commit suicide I should’ve done it in boarding school. But I did not. I will not.   Am I good enough to be loved? I know I am. Every body is. Then ‘MOVE ON’ … here’s how I perceive it. I have an interesting job which I love. I know now for a certainty I will never have kids of my own, I guess in a way that’s what makes me so successful with my students; because I give every kid the same attention – not even the ones I mark as favorites get any special treatment from me. Most importantly, since I’ve been there done that and lost the war … I can somehow relate to the losers and of course there are more losers, more causalities than winners. For me the war is over. For these kids its just the battle. I help them win the next one, and hope they win the war. I’ve moved on …   How can I think clearly when I am so caught up in my own sadness? From childhood, I was a revengeful kid. But I’d lash out and keep moving. Big talker, but I knew I would never be able to keep a grudge and nurse it. If at all anybody has a right to condemn or judge the person who … Its me, and in the wake of certain incidents which led to my logical conclusion that the man I love does not love me – I asked God for something … something specific. I told him, I forgive him I asked God not to hold anything against him. When things like this happen people usually say, ‘God above is watching, etc etc …’ Well, I know God is watching, so I asked God not to hold him responsible for anything. After all I too am to be blamed. But I do not blame him. I want him to be happy in whatever it is he finds happiness in. He broke quiet a few norms of friendship, the hardest thing for me to do was to continue being a friend when I knew he did not consider me a friend. The easiest thing was to continue being in love knowing that he loved me no more; to care for him when he doesn’t … That’s pretty easy. (There's nothing noble in any of it)   So, I specifically asked God that he must be happy. Then I said I want to forget certain things, but its hard, like the happy times I had. The easiest to forget was the sad times; because when it comes to mind I succeed in blocking it; I don’t dwell in it. But the hardest to forget is that smile he’d have on his face when he’d make chocolate cream or that smug look just before he makes his point while he patiently waits for comprehension to dawn on me.   I made the same mistake Sarah made once. I don’t want to repeat it. I came close to repeating it last night after Devine tells her class, “When I go to sleep I dream of a handsome man who’ll sweep me off my feet, pour champagne on me and lick it off my neck.” … All I wanted to do was cry out to God. How could one man have done this to me? But then he didn’t – I let him. I am the one who gave him my sleep he did not after all force me to love him. Logic rules. Bitterness was all I felt. But then I remembered … I wanted him to be happy. Case closed.   Every thing has its price tag – maybe I did not realize what was mine until Devine’s words re – ignited a flickering ember. I simply had to get up this morning and write this down. When we ask God for something; lets wait. When we are bitter; lets not ask Him to do anything, again lets wait. Once the bitterness passes – might take a whole long night; but we’ll be back to ‘I want him to be happy’.   The objective in my CV reads thus: ‘To Live and not just Exist. To make my mark.’  The best way to make your mark is not to make one at all. And sometimes some people have to exist so that some others can live. I understood that when one person’s dream broke down all defenses I had laboriously built against love and men. No I am not a feminist. I don’t hate men. I just love, respect and appreciate one while I respect and appreciate the rest.   During the day I’m the teacher. At night I’m ‘tired’ – I like it that way. Not necessary that I love it that way. I once had a choice – I chose, now I exist. Its Ok. I get to live the day and make it through the nights.   Which Good girl could resist the wild charms of a bad boy ... and live to regret? The wise ones learn from it; unwise ones ... exist in it!   Ok, I'm a combination of Wise and unwise for all of you who've read so far ... ;-) 2 comments|post comment

CHILL ........ [22 Jul 2004|03:31pm] [ mood | contemplative ]   I’ve been so busy for the past few days, I haven’t written much in my journal. After all the emotional outbursts I experienced this week; mainly because I was horrified when I noted that not a single teacher was harmed in the fire accident in Kumbakonam; and that they had actually ‘LOCKED’ the kids up – What were they thinking? Where is ‘Common Sense’? We are all taught to ‘Mug – up’ … this is the result – people no longer ‘use’ their heads! Knowledge banks – no Wise ones. Bah. No combination of Head and Heart! That’s past – there’s nothing any one can do about it now. We have to see to it that such an episode is not repeated. That’s that I want to write something nice. I was quiet upset about my financial position and then out of the blues I ended up with this project that not only provides me with the money I want now, but also in a strange way it is a window for a future job prospect… I am very happy about it. I intend doing a good job now, when the future comes – I’ll think about it. Got to concentrate. I did not even have time to watch movies… But still I caught this really good one. ‘Lakshya’. I’m not a very big fan of Handsome Hrithik or Pretty Preity Zinta. (My all time favourites being Aamir, Kajol, Juhi and Rani Mukherjee.) This film reminded me of another good tamil film I had seen long ago … ‘Roja’ (directed by Mani Rathnam) I hated one song in that film – but I liked the story and the actors and all the other songs …   Lakshya was different, quiet down to earth when it came to the choices the upper middle class youth face – an MBA in America or INA? The fact that one sometimes chooses to do something noble just to show the other person he is no ‘chicken’. I liked the story, the songs and when the end came – and of course I knew what was coming – still, there was this strange warm fuzzy feeling …   Seeing, hearing people do heroic things in some part of the world makes me think what if that were to happen to me? What would I do? And I did answer that when my students (holiday tuition – poor kids! They would do anything to TALK and have fun! LOL) asked me what I’d have done if I were in that school. They were very practical when they said I’d not have ‘saved’ many. And I was very practical when I said I’d have saved at least a few or died trying, or would have got a tongue lashing if I’d led my whole class out when I smelled smoke and the fire were put out – and I’d have retorted with ‘My kids at least smelled the clean air and did not get choked with smoke.’ Let's leave it at that. Hmmmmmmmmm .... here's what I'm musing about ... I think you can call it a metaphor ...   Ever noticed … the fire is started by someone else; the ones who are asked to put out the fire – their vision is clouded by the smoke, they are guided by the cries of the people who are caught up in the fire and are hidden behind all that smoke … Some brave it through the heat and smoke and save as many as they can and put out the fire; some others are choked by the smoke and succumb to the heat and are soon ‘ashes to ashes’; some just put out the fire(which is pretty crucial); and there is always those who stand by and ‘keep watch’ and later ‘report’. Whatever non living thing the fiery flame had consumed is not forever lost – it can be rebuilt; all that perished and had life … leaves a scar (an emotional scar in the 'living loved lives'. (Reminds me of the song – We didn’t start the fire, it was always burning since the world’s been turning. We didn’t start the fire, though we didn’t light it, we’re trying to fight it … [Billy Joel] Wanna listen to it - NOW!)   Take something as simple as choosing your specialization in Std 11. The fire is lit… the issue starts to burn. The heat is turned on when dad wants you to become a Doc and ‘suggests’ you choose Pure science. Mom ‘suggests’ Science and Math (her logic being , that if you don’t get into a medical college, get into an engineering course). Your teacher knows your keen interest in ‘stories and the fluency with which you spin a yarn’ may it be the ‘lost home work’ or the mysterious disappearance of a crucial paper from her desk … she knows the way that criminal mind works! She suggests ‘ Law or business’ … What do you choose? Such a lot of smoke, so many cries  … who do you save ... poof! (Our parents start it and are IN IT and it is their 'cries' / 'suggestions' which 'lead' us ... !)  Dive in, do what you want to do. Will you be able to save dad’s dreams, mom’s hope or teacher’s vision? (Not to mention the many other free suggestions from ‘relatives’.) That period of time is consumed in that fire, the scars would be mission not accomplished; lives saved would be that ‘Proud smile on dad’s / mom’s face’ when you either become a doc/ engineer or Manager or lawyer! Till then the smoke billows, the fire either rages or is flickering (depends)    Then comes ‘marriage’ … Fire ignited either by parents or by that sweet little thing who sits by you in the bus; or that reckless guy who had the courage to say those three words … Well, enough said I guess you get the picture. The fires continue in every stage of life… We either let it consume everything we treasure (that happens when we don’t fight it but let it be!) or become ashes to ashes in our strife to fight it; or discover the ‘Hero’ in us …   An after thought … What about those fires which are lit by someone who has no idea of putting it off …? I was once that STUPID! And I loved the words ‘Aag kyon lagaayee jab bhujaye bin chodnaa hi tha?’ (Its from Aamir’s, Akele hum akele tum – nice film – a copy of Kramer Vs. Kramer) Now I say, some one else may have the match stick, I have the fire extinguisher – tears at times are pretty good fires extinguishers – and I don’t have to go searching or spend tons of money on it(I just need the humility to turn the switch on) ! (there are other extinguishers too; as days go by I will keep discovering them and make a record of them all) Another fire extinguisher is – A SMILE makes every one feel like heroes who saved every body else from some fiery furnace.   But I still love that song … it’s a beautiful number (quiet a lot about that film is copy – the song is a lift from George Michael’s ‘Last Christmass’ – I love that one too!)   BOTTOM LINE – you cant stop people from lighting the fires; better have the fire extinguishers with you. Until the next musing .... Its OK to burn your finger; don’t burn yourselves Which Good girl could resist the wild charms of a bad boy ... and live to regret? The wise ones learn from it; unwise ones ... exist in it. 3 comments|post comment

Harry Potter [16 Jul 2004|05:36pm] [ mood | aggravated ] This is something I wrote to Anna in reply to one of his rantings ... It really got me thinking... And I will be adding to it later - right now I am agitated and I know Its not good for me to write seriously in this mood ... I have said enough in the following ... shall chew on this later... (I however have added one more point! Read on to find out...   Wierd? I TEACH the kids of the age group you've discussed. I dont remember if I had written about a certain Phillipino kid and my favorite Brit. In class one day,last hour, I was just talking since these six year olds (they come to yr 1 as five yr olds, in the last term they are 6 year old) their attention span is limited. And the last hour is horrible since all want to go home. Well, I observed that my favorite Brit and a cute Phillipino kid had gotten themselves to a corner and were seriously checking out the size of their teeny weeny 'Twinkies' - yup they guy thing...? Well, I gently and sternly put a stop to it. Made it clear to them they could do what they want in the privacy of their rooms but not in public and definitely not in my class. The Phillipno later asked me what is the meaning of 'Gay'. I happily said 'it means being Very Happy'. He looked at me with a confused smile and said, 'my mom says it means when a boy acts like a girl.' I looked at him and said, 'some words have two meanings like the word 'saw'. What is the meaning of saw?' 'I saw Sami.' 'OK, how about that thing you cut trees with?' 'Yes that is also a saw' 'So, like that the word 'Gay' also has two meanings...' 'Is it good to be gay?' 'Well, you tell me, you are a boy, would you like to be acting like a girl?''NO' 'You have your answer' During the parent teacher meeting I made it a point to talk to his parents. You know what I said? I looked at the mom and told her, "Mam you are a very good mother, you are doing your job well and if Rainier is doing so well in school its because you do not lie to your son and that is what makes you such a fine mom and teacher I must say. because the children learn from their parents.' The mom then told me about her brother being gay and .... well the child's curiosity. But when explained - the child chose his path he did not want to act like a girl! The problem you see has a solution ... SPEAK THE TRUTH to your child, do not UNDERESTIMATE the reasoning capability of the child. Let the child ask questions. Yup, even experimenting with his genitals comparing the twinkies... I asked my lil fav kid 'DO you really like to be showing your twinkie to every one and want them to laugh? I want you to be the best and being the Best means being really good. So now you tell me what you want.' 'I want to be the best' 'So, you do what ever you want when you are alone at home. Do you take bath in front of every one? Does mom give bath to you?' 'NO - I'm a big boy.' 'Then be like a big boy. And Sami, yes you are the Best. Every one makes mistakes. But the best will not make the same mistake again.' He Never made the same mistake again... I had to council him in such a way that he is not affected adversely and grows up thinking that touching himself is a CRIME. (I DID not chastise the two boys in front of the whole class - had I done that they would have felt ashamed and that would be humiliating ... That is where I think many teachers make the mistake) That is what over zealous relegious people do - as a result they lose the child to Satan to all the pleasures of the flesh . Talk and let the child reason it out. TEACH the child - Dont PREACH to him - DONT SCOLD and inflict a wound in him ... at least thats what being a teacher has taught me. I NEVER YELL at my class. I NEVER Scold my kids (both big and small) I RESPECT them enough to let them decide. I watch, I hold , I touch - I dont Grasp ... You'll be surprised at the logic and rationale behind a child's decissions... Trust me and yeah - Trust your KID and SHOW Him/her that you TRUST them. I guess enough said. HARRY POTTER ... 5 year olds read about him, and understand what it means when Dumbledore says, 'Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.' Tell me how many 'adults' understand that? If they did, one of the first sin to be done away with would be - Adultary (Just because you have a penus and a body like a Greek God and can woo every single girl in town, it does not mean you should stick it into every willing pussy. Just because you have a gorgeous body 36/24/36 and can entice every guy in town does not mean you should get every drooling puppy in your bed !!!)   Which Good girl could resist the wild charms of a bad boy ... and live to regret? The wise ones learn from it; unwise ones ... exist in it! 2 comments|post comment

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